Well i have had a week away from work for the first time in months, i realise i can be a bit of a workaholic as it seems to give me focus and distract away from my own troubles.
But i decided to take time out, only think about myself, i did not fill up my days with friends and family as i would have in the past and you know what....... i didn't feel guilty, i normally would have felt i had to keep in touch and organise things but it was great having nothing planned, i plan on having nothing planned a lot more from now on.
I finished one room in my little house then started on the next and worked hard too, i even took the sewing machine out of the box and made 2 cushion covers in 48 hours... yeah i know not bad going ha ha ha ha, i really should read the instructions, but they look great and i plan on sewing more things, maybe even some Christmas presents!
I read 4 books in a week, i love going round thrift shops and just picking up a book that some one else, or lots of others have read and past on, i don't have specific taste in books other than not romances, if i like the title then i by it and then i pass it on to others, i love to cosy up in bed with the animals at night and read although sometime i get to engrossed and its 3am before i know it!
I also took time out to get round to watching those DVDs that i get through he post but seem to forget to watch, one was rubbish My Last Five Girlfriends, the other Case 39 was good apart from Renee Zielweger, good story tho!
My son and i watched endless episodes of Friends, it is strange to think this is him watching them for the first time!!
So i am feeling happy with myself, just got to sort out the finances and remember i am now a grown up so better start acting like one!
Scotland
You are always glad to come home to Scotland!
Friday, 17 September 2010
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Crazy people!
You must be thinking by now, what a depressive moaner this blogger is , well i can be but in all honesty im very positive, my moto is that there are people worse off than you, its all about perspective and its ok to lose that sometimes because when you get it back its a little clearer!
Here's to the crazy ones.The misfits.The rebels.The trouble-makers...The ones who see things differently.They're not fond of rules...You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them.The only thing you can't do is ignore them.Because they change things.They push the human race forward.And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.~ Jack Kerouac
I love the above, i work with people who are "different" but in reality the staff and myself included are just as crazy at times, everyone is an individual and we all have the need to be a trouble maker or a rebel sometimes even if its just staying in your pyjamas all day or stayin up way past late, we all have a touch of the crazy and thats what makes the world interesting!
So go on have that extra slice of cake, phone in to work sick, get a tattoo, spend your last pound on chocolate, REBEL REBEL REBEL, go crazy, oncein a while!!
Here's to the crazy ones.The misfits.The rebels.The trouble-makers...The ones who see things differently.They're not fond of rules...You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them.The only thing you can't do is ignore them.Because they change things.They push the human race forward.And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.~ Jack Kerouac
I love the above, i work with people who are "different" but in reality the staff and myself included are just as crazy at times, everyone is an individual and we all have the need to be a trouble maker or a rebel sometimes even if its just staying in your pyjamas all day or stayin up way past late, we all have a touch of the crazy and thats what makes the world interesting!
So go on have that extra slice of cake, phone in to work sick, get a tattoo, spend your last pound on chocolate, REBEL REBEL REBEL, go crazy, oncein a while!!
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Its not you its me.......blah blah
I am back online, i wasn't sure when i did my first blog whether i had done the right thing in laying it all out there on the web, but reading it back to myself Ive found comfort on letting all my anxiety out on screen.
So whats been happening in the past 2 months since i first became a blogger you ask, well in true catastrophe terms I'm known for.....this:
1. My boyfriend of a year and a half goes all distant on me but insists on buying me gifts, not a good sign, i, being the adult in this relationship and counsellor (to many a man who have stumbled into my life) tell him what it is he feels and wants to really say, he storms off, comes back 2 days later and says "Your right". I'm not going to marry you and have babies or make a commitment. This is the man who has not grown up at 36 and never will no matter how much i wished he was so in love with me that he couldn't live without me and would therefore whisk me of my feet with marriage and babies. It sucks to realise that the man you wanted to marry just doesn't love you enough. But he did send me a message later saying, "your my best friend i don't want to lose you, can we still be friends?" This is a reoccurring theme with men they all want me to be there friend but not there wife!!
2. I developed the most horrendous flu and chest infection that same week as being dumped, i had no company as all my girlfriends were working or off playing smug couples, no my mother who rarely visits but smelt spinster hood in the air dropped by to invite myself and boyfriend to family meal, she knew too well something was up and on telling her my sad news she replied with "well we knew it wouldn't work, it never does with you", " take the dog for a walk you will feel better". My mother has no idea about relationships, she has been married for 40 years to a man who adores her, the are smug marrieds! She is also the least sympathetic person in the world, but that's for another blog!
3. I found out that one of my closest (single) friends was diagnosed with a degenerative illness, at 26 years old, what do you say to someone who's life is one the line!............She is an inspiration, we both moaned and groaned and discussed our warped mothers and the love we have for our dogs while exchanging messages on facebook and then said "to hell with it" lets just get on with it, theres worse off than us!
4. While visiting the hospital with above friend, i noticed love of my lifes car in car park, yes he was there in that hospital with her, having there baby!!!Slightly spooky i thought that i should agree to support my friend on that very day!
So, there i was house bound with flu, (yeah in July, that's what happens when you live in Scotland) watching endless episodes of CSI repeats and retro films on TV, (i cant afford Sky or cable because as you will know if you live in Scotland, it is only the work shy and those who live on government benefit that can afford the plasma and cable TV),i was inspired to stop mooping, by the words from one of my favourite movies - "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."
This really was how i felt, i had no energy or will left to "get on with it", Ive had to "get on with it" so many times and pulled myself together once to often, all i wanted to do was hide and cry, i cried over that baby, i cried because i so wanted it to be mine, ours, i cried because i know he will be a good dad, i cried because i know she makes his life miserable, i know this because he told me, he said i was his best friend and i was, up until she came along and told him not to be my friend, i miss him every day, even as just a friend, i could cope with being his friend, and i never cry (men always comment on how im not a blubber), I'm not a crier, i only cry at sentimental adverts and documentaries about war, i didn't even cry when i watched Marley & Me!
It is now almost the end of July and i cant believe how time is flying by ,Ive worked so much and taken little time off just to keep my mind off my anxieties. Fastly approaching my 35th birthday....which i wasn't pleased about a few weeks ago due to my anxiety of "not having it all" but due to the above and some soul searching and also letting myself take it easy, I have decide to make a plan!
So whats been happening in the past 2 months since i first became a blogger you ask, well in true catastrophe terms I'm known for.....this:
1. My boyfriend of a year and a half goes all distant on me but insists on buying me gifts, not a good sign, i, being the adult in this relationship and counsellor (to many a man who have stumbled into my life) tell him what it is he feels and wants to really say, he storms off, comes back 2 days later and says "Your right". I'm not going to marry you and have babies or make a commitment. This is the man who has not grown up at 36 and never will no matter how much i wished he was so in love with me that he couldn't live without me and would therefore whisk me of my feet with marriage and babies. It sucks to realise that the man you wanted to marry just doesn't love you enough. But he did send me a message later saying, "your my best friend i don't want to lose you, can we still be friends?" This is a reoccurring theme with men they all want me to be there friend but not there wife!!
2. I developed the most horrendous flu and chest infection that same week as being dumped, i had no company as all my girlfriends were working or off playing smug couples, no my mother who rarely visits but smelt spinster hood in the air dropped by to invite myself and boyfriend to family meal, she knew too well something was up and on telling her my sad news she replied with "well we knew it wouldn't work, it never does with you", " take the dog for a walk you will feel better". My mother has no idea about relationships, she has been married for 40 years to a man who adores her, the are smug marrieds! She is also the least sympathetic person in the world, but that's for another blog!
3. I found out that one of my closest (single) friends was diagnosed with a degenerative illness, at 26 years old, what do you say to someone who's life is one the line!............She is an inspiration, we both moaned and groaned and discussed our warped mothers and the love we have for our dogs while exchanging messages on facebook and then said "to hell with it" lets just get on with it, theres worse off than us!
4. While visiting the hospital with above friend, i noticed love of my lifes car in car park, yes he was there in that hospital with her, having there baby!!!Slightly spooky i thought that i should agree to support my friend on that very day!
 |
| This is the beauty i can find just a short drive from my house, it raises your spirits |
This really was how i felt, i had no energy or will left to "get on with it", Ive had to "get on with it" so many times and pulled myself together once to often, all i wanted to do was hide and cry, i cried over that baby, i cried because i so wanted it to be mine, ours, i cried because i know he will be a good dad, i cried because i know she makes his life miserable, i know this because he told me, he said i was his best friend and i was, up until she came along and told him not to be my friend, i miss him every day, even as just a friend, i could cope with being his friend, and i never cry (men always comment on how im not a blubber), I'm not a crier, i only cry at sentimental adverts and documentaries about war, i didn't even cry when i watched Marley & Me!
 |
| I cant wait for winter, although im a Leo, i love winter the best! |
It is now almost the end of July and i cant believe how time is flying by ,Ive worked so much and taken little time off just to keep my mind off my anxieties. Fastly approaching my 35th birthday....which i wasn't pleased about a few weeks ago due to my anxiety of "not having it all" but due to the above and some soul searching and also letting myself take it easy, I have decide to make a plan!
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Why do i feel the need to have it all now?
My best friend has just bought a nice house with her nice husband where her daughter will live with them. This news has sent me into some mindless craze of suddenly wanting it all too, but then a few days later i am thinking "do i really want it all or do i want the fantasy of "having it all"?
I never felt compelled to have the family, husband, car and mortgage, i always felt happy with my own company and freedom, and even used to look at those i knew who had husbands and an Audi in the drive, with an amount of pity but now i feel it is them pitying me.
I own my own home, i have a good job (but hate it), a lovely son and a dog who understands me so what more could i want..... well i came about the house, the child and the dog all at a personal cost to myself. The house i inherited from my best friend who died suddenly, the child i received from a misadventure with a stalker and the dog well, he was a compromise on the baby i longed to have with the biggest love of my life. After 8 years, said love then left me and promptly set up home with a women twice his age with 2 children and then he impregnated her!!
I have never been one to be conventional, Ive ambled along making mistakes with the best intentions, always thinking that i was destined for better things and that if i tried hard enough it would all work out alright in the end! but now i have started to wake in the night feeling fear that i have reached the end and it hasn't turned out alright!
I never felt compelled to have the family, husband, car and mortgage, i always felt happy with my own company and freedom, and even used to look at those i knew who had husbands and an Audi in the drive, with an amount of pity but now i feel it is them pitying me.
I own my own home, i have a good job (but hate it), a lovely son and a dog who understands me so what more could i want..... well i came about the house, the child and the dog all at a personal cost to myself. The house i inherited from my best friend who died suddenly, the child i received from a misadventure with a stalker and the dog well, he was a compromise on the baby i longed to have with the biggest love of my life. After 8 years, said love then left me and promptly set up home with a women twice his age with 2 children and then he impregnated her!!
I have never been one to be conventional, Ive ambled along making mistakes with the best intentions, always thinking that i was destined for better things and that if i tried hard enough it would all work out alright in the end! but now i have started to wake in the night feeling fear that i have reached the end and it hasn't turned out alright!
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